There's a spider in our upstairs landing window who last night completely removed her web in order to build an entirely new (and larger) one. I've seen a few of our house spiders do this recently and it reminds me of the process of death and rebirth.

This was perhaps the source of the bitter-sweet sheer exhilaration that accompanied the end of most romantic relationships I have had. It always hurt but there was also always an accompanying awareness of the blank slate that was being re-presented to me.

Adjusting to married life and no longer having that sort of renewal to 'fall back on' has been an interesting process and one I am not too certain I'm completely done with yet either. I am not sure it's a process that ever really ends as like so many other aspects of life, a marriage must be maintained, not just left to it's own devices.

While I have my daily frustrations with my partner and my family and life in general, I am also periodically reminded of just how very lucky I am. My husband makes me laugh every day. He loves me and our children. He worries about providing for us and does his best to.

I am worried about the near future these days, but not so much about the farther future because I know that whatever we must go through now we will come out the other side of, better for it. What we have to go through I cannot say, all I know is, we need to make some big changes. We have started, but only barely, and there is so much more breaking down to do before we can begin to build again.


In the mean time... I hope my muse stays close.